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Birds of Prey (Cathy Yan, 2020)

First things first: I’m sorry this is my first review of 2020, but did you really need me to tell you not to watch The Grudge, Like a Boss, Dolittle, The Turning, and The Rhythm Section?

Now that the dead zone of bad January movies is finally over, what I can tell you is this: you should watch Birds of Prey. As some critics have suggested, it’s the second half of the title – (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) – that is what the film is truly about.

But I would argue this isn’t an issue, but rather the film’s greatest asset, serving a manic, engaging, colorful, and action-packed tone that sets Birds apart from the overcrowded superhero sub-genre.

I would be doing you all a disservice if I didn’t immediately give credit to star and producer Margot Robbie, who so fundamentally understands the character of Quinn that it is impossible to picture another actress in the role. Her frenetic mannerisms, and the film’s hectic pace, not only keep you engaged in the on-screen onslaught of action, but also place you firmly in Harley’s headspace. At times, the never-ending clash of music and jokes can get in the way of the story, but I’ll take Birds‘ exciting action over dark and depressing DCEU films like Man of Steel and Batman v. Superman any day.

And how glorious the R-rated, bone-crunching action is. Chad Stahelski, mastermind beyond the stylized “gun-fu” action of the John Wick franchise, has an uncredited role as second unit photographer, punching up the action scenes with immaculately framed action choreography that feels like it’s leaping off the pages of a comic book.

Despite the rest of the titular “Birds” taking a backseat, Huntress and Black Canary do a lot with a little, thanks to strong performances by Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Jurnee Smollett-Ball. However, the fourth Bird, portrayed by Rosie Perez, did suffer from the lack of character development, relegated to self-referential jokes poking fun at how two-dimensional she was.

I haven’t even talked about the scenery-chewing performances of Ewan McGregor and Chris Messina as the villainous Black Mask and Victor Zsasz – equally funny and intimidating charicatures.

Overall, Birds of Prey simply packs a ton of fun into just 109 minutes – this is the best action, the best humor, the best protagonist, and the best antagonist the DC Extended Universe has yet to offer. It simultaneously feels like an ode to quick serialized films of the past, while also being noticeably modern in its messages and casting. In an age when every superhero feels like it’s trying too hard to tie into a grand universe plan, Birds of Prey thrives as a film that stands proudly on its own, with kick-ass action and in-your-face humor.

The Cast: Margot Robbie, Ewan McGregor, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jurnee Smollett-Ball, Rosie Perez, Chris Messina

The Elevator Pitch: John Wick + Kill Bill + Deadpool + cocaine

The Score: 8.75/10

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Cats (Tom Hooper, 2019)

Normally, I like to write these reviews right after I see the film, fresh off what I just watched. Normally, I’ll spend a long time crafting my thoughts and arguments, rereading to check for any errors.

This isn’t one of those reviews.

I watched Cats last night, so you don’t have to. After stumbling home in shock, I had to immediately get into the fetal position in my bed. Now, I need to get these thoughts on paper as quickly as possible so I can avoid thinking about this film ever again.

I use the term “film” very loosely. There is no plot here, no character development, no tonal balance, no world-building, no catchy songs, no redeeming qualities of any kind. All there is, is cats singing and dancing, and dreaming of being resurrected in The Jellicle Ball (yes, that’s a thing now).

If you can call them cats. These humanoid creatures have human faces, human hands, and human feet, with digital fur slapped on them like a film student’s school project. Some of these cats wear clothes. Some of them wear shoes and hats. Some of them are incredibly horny for some reason. This is honestly the worst digital effects I’ve seen in the 2010s, from the last film of the 2010s, in a film that relies entirely on digital effects. These humanoid cats are the stuff of nightmares.

This is one of the most unintentionally terrifying films ever. For every joyous upbeat song, there’s a scene of the humanoid cats slowly chanting the rules of their cult in the darkness. Don’t bring a small child to see this, unless you want him to become a serial killer.

Who is this film targeted towards? Fans of the original musical won’t like Cats because of the digital effects. Fans of musicals in general won’t like Cats because the music makes no sense. Fans of movies won’t like Cats because there’s no semblance of a plot, protagonist, or sense of direction. And finally, no with a pulse will like Cats because it’s insane and will haunt your dreams.

I have so many more questions. How did they get Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Jason Derulo, and Ray Winstone to sign onto this film? How is Cats made by the director of The King’s Speech? Why is Jennifer Hudson’s cat so sad? Why is Jennifer Hudson acting so hard? Did she think she was going to win an Oscar for this? For Cats? Why is Idris Elba’s cat wearing a fedora? Why does he have magical powers, and no one else? Why does the Magic Cat not have the same powers? Wait, but he does in that one scene? Why does everyone worship Judi Dench’s cat? Why does she have the power to resurrect one person every year? Why is that decision based entirely on song and dance numbers? Why was there a Railway Cat? Why is Ian McKellen licking himself with a human tongue and saying “meow”, when no one else is? Why do some cats wear clothes, and others don’t? Does that mean the other cats are nude? Does that not bother the clothes-wearing cats? Why is Jason Derulo’s cat so horny? Where are the humans in all of this? Do they not notice that their cats are singing and dancing in the public streets? Why does every single cat introduction require a 5 minute song? Why does Rebel Wilson’s cat force hundreds of cockroaches to do a dance number with her? Why do they have human faces? Why is she eating them if they mess up? Is she enslaving them? Are we going to get a sequel called Cockroaches if this makes money? Why does Judi Dench break the 4th wall at the end and stare directly into my soul? Why did I subject myself to this torture? Why did I watch Cats?

The Cast: Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Jason Derulo, Ray Winstone

The Elevator Pitch: A new interrogation method: lock someone in a room with Cats playing on loop, and they’ll talk.

The Score: 1/10

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The King (David Michod, 2019)

If you have a loved one with insomnia, send them to see The King.

While gorgeously shot and mostly well-acted, the film’s poorly written protagonist (Timothee Chalamet as King Henry V) turns the plot into an unbelievable bore. We never truly understand what King Henry V is thinking, as he vows to be different than his father (a man who forces England into war unnecessarily). So what does he do? He unnecessarily declares war with France as soon as he becomes king. It’s not entirely Chalamet’s fault, who is horribly miscast and given whiney, cliched “tough guy” dialogue to spit out every 3 minutes. Am I really supposed to believe Chalamet, at 110 pounds soaking wet, is a fearsome fighter?

The shortcomings of King Henry V as a character are further noticeable because of the strengths of the surrounding cast. Ben Mendelsohn as King Henry IV chews the scenery with aplomb, and Joel Edgerton lends great credibility to an eccentric war advisor, but Robert Pattinson is the true scene stealer as an over-the-top French prince. It’s a testament to his performance, but a bad sign for the movie, that I was actually rooting for Pattinson and the French to win the war. If only The King was centered around Edgerton or Pattinson, and not Chalamet.

Unfortunately, Pattinson isn’t introduced until halfway through the film (over an hour), which brings me to the pacing: The King‘s 2 hours and 20 minutes feels longer than The Irishman‘s 3-and-a-half hours. Not only is the protagonist the least interesting character on screen, but the bulk of the runtime is filled with ceremonies and sieges… gripping.

This is all more frustrating when you see the strengths: this is a beautifully shot and lit film, with a genuinely exciting battle sequence in the second half. Unfortunately, Pattinson, Edgerton, and one scene can’t carry an entire 2 hours and 20 minutes.

The Cast: Timothee Chalamet, Robert Pattinson, Joel Edgerton, Sean Harris, Ben Mendelsohn, Dean Charles-Chapman

The Elevator Pitch: Call Me By “Your Lord”

The Score: 6.25/10