Normally, I like to write these reviews right after I see the film, fresh off what I just watched. Normally, I’ll spend a long time crafting my thoughts and arguments, rereading to check for any errors.
This isn’t one of those reviews.
I watched Cats last night, so you don’t have to. After stumbling home in shock, I had to immediately get into the fetal position in my bed. Now, I need to get these thoughts on paper as quickly as possible so I can avoid thinking about this film ever again.
I use the term “film” very loosely. There is no plot here, no character development, no tonal balance, no world-building, no catchy songs, no redeeming qualities of any kind. All there is, is cats singing and dancing, and dreaming of being resurrected in The Jellicle Ball (yes, that’s a thing now).
If you can call them cats. These humanoid creatures have human faces, human hands, and human feet, with digital fur slapped on them like a film student’s school project. Some of these cats wear clothes. Some of them wear shoes and hats. Some of them are incredibly horny for some reason. This is honestly the worst digital effects I’ve seen in the 2010s, from the last film of the 2010s, in a film that relies entirely on digital effects. These humanoid cats are the stuff of nightmares.
This is one of the most unintentionally terrifying films ever. For every joyous upbeat song, there’s a scene of the humanoid cats slowly chanting the rules of their cult in the darkness. Don’t bring a small child to see this, unless you want him to become a serial killer.
Who is this film targeted towards? Fans of the original musical won’t like Cats because of the digital effects. Fans of musicals in general won’t like Cats because the music makes no sense. Fans of movies won’t like Cats because there’s no semblance of a plot, protagonist, or sense of direction. And finally, no with a pulse will like Cats because it’s insane and will haunt your dreams.
I have so many more questions. How did they get Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Jason Derulo, and Ray Winstone to sign onto this film? How is Cats made by the director of The King’s Speech? Why is Jennifer Hudson’s cat so sad? Why is Jennifer Hudson acting so hard? Did she think she was going to win an Oscar for this? For Cats? Why is Idris Elba’s cat wearing a fedora? Why does he have magical powers, and no one else? Why does the Magic Cat not have the same powers? Wait, but he does in that one scene? Why does everyone worship Judi Dench’s cat? Why does she have the power to resurrect one person every year? Why is that decision based entirely on song and dance numbers? Why was there a Railway Cat? Why is Ian McKellen licking himself with a human tongue and saying “meow”, when no one else is? Why do some cats wear clothes, and others don’t? Does that mean the other cats are nude? Does that not bother the clothes-wearing cats? Why is Jason Derulo’s cat so horny? Where are the humans in all of this? Do they not notice that their cats are singing and dancing in the public streets? Why does every single cat introduction require a 5 minute song? Why does Rebel Wilson’s cat force hundreds of cockroaches to do a dance number with her? Why do they have human faces? Why is she eating them if they mess up? Is she enslaving them? Are we going to get a sequel called Cockroaches if this makes money? Why does Judi Dench break the 4th wall at the end and stare directly into my soul? Why did I subject myself to this torture? Why did I watch Cats?
The Cast: Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Jason Derulo, Ray Winstone
The Elevator Pitch: A new interrogation method: lock someone in a room with Cats playing on loop, and they’ll talk.
The Score: 1/10
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